Be Kind To Yourself
It's been a while since I updated the blog. A lot had happened in the last 2 months. There are constantly clouds over my head. I am always doubting myself, my capability to run this business and taking it further.
It started with a book illustration project that I am doing. I have been hoping to draw a book since day one and I have never doubt my ability to do that. However due to the lack of experience, I didn't get enough details from the client, I just thought it's an easy task, I can get its done in a month. So I hired someone to work extra days in the shop, bought inventory ahead of time, thinking I can get paid in a month.
The truth is, 4 months later, I am still doing it, and I am not even closed.
So I am very stress with my bank account coz I've already spent the money before I even made any. Then I started to doubt myself. WHY does it takes so much longer than I thought? Am I good enough as an illustrator? And it leads to another self doubt of not be able to plan things and have a good foundation of my budget and finance.
Although I had a master degree in accounting, but I was never good with numbers. I hate numbers especially when I am running the business. I can sit down for a week to built a whole website but I cannot sit here for more than 10 mins looking at numbers.
Instead of accepting who I am, I started to think I am not good enough. If I cannot even understand the basic of numbers, how can I scale the business?
As you can imagine this is a snow ball effect of my mental health.
So I get very quiet. Everything around me suddenly becomes colourless and no fun. I don't enjoy anything full stop. Nothing is in progress.
Until one day, my best friend said to me - you have never had patience. Why don't you just accept this is who you are and embrace it?
As soon as I heard that, I cried. I have been fighting so hard to become a person I am not in the last 2 months. I am trying to be a logical person while logic isn't in my DNA at all. I am trying to be a number person while the best I can do is to do discount. I am trying to live slow while I have no patience to everything.
I am who I am and I need to love who I am.
And suddenly, the clouds over my head are moving away. The song "I can see clearer now the rain is gone" is popping up in my head.
I took a little video of my day yesterday because I felt truly happy and blessed. I feel so lucky that I finally can breathe. The shadow over my head is gone. I appreciate all the small things in my ordinary day. I almost cried when I edited the video because life, can be beautiful if you want it to be.
Suki x
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